Lonely London Lad: There are men in my area looking for a woman like me
Disclaimer: If this is your first visit to this web site, be forewarned: LLL has a bizarre sense of humor and a vivid imagination, both of which infuse these writings as well as his music. Knowing that as you read this will keep you from saying "WTF" repeatedly. Or maybe it won't.
Actual screenshot from within MySpace
I was flattered this morning to learn, while replying to a MySpace message regarding our CD Combo offer, that there are men in my area looking to meet a woman like me.
I will confide this to you: I blushed when I read it.
And to think that I almost didn't even see it. But the "Lonely London Lad" caught me eye. "Hey, that's me!" I exclaimed, and the words echoed through the fuchsia halls of my cliche rock star castle.
I felt as if some secret admirer had hired an airplane to sky-write "I LLLove you, LLL" in the celeste skies over my private nude beach.
Not many people can appreciate a man's feminine side, especially when he doesn't have much of one. But then to be able to mobilize all those who do -- in my immediate area nonetheless -- and provide photographs of them, so I can pick a suitable suitor from the comfort of my chaise, is not only an organizational feat, but a noble gesture. Who is this mysterious and organized stranger who is so adept at Photoshop?
As last night's special friend got out of my king-size bed this morning, clad only in a ripped LLL Art Shirt, she looked me in the eyes and said, "You know, LLL, you're a whole lotta woman."
That started my day on an incredible HIGH, but this MySpace image was the icing on the cake, or maybe it was the cake itself. I can't even think about cake, though, as I have a girlish figure that I need to preserve and protect.
Forget about running, lifting weights, grunting, sweating. No, I'm going to spend today doing the OMG DIET, which promises to shed 10 pounds in 10 hours, merely by eating all the cookies I want and lying motionless on the couch watching QVC re-runs.
On my 43rd cookie, I was on the speaker phone with another underground rock star, telling him or her (androgynous, not sure) about my luck. What s/he told me almost made me toss my OMG-brand cookies.
"Everybody gets those, hun," s/he said.
"Everybody sees that Lonely London Lad has admirers of his feminine side?" I asked.
"No, you egomaniac," s/he hissed. "Everybody gets those supposedly customized ads. It's based on your gender setting in MySpace. But since you're a band, there is no gender setting. It is female by default. It's entirely automatic. How special do you feel NOW?"
Talk about a let-down. I haven't felt so crushed since a hater wrote "who r u?" on my wall (not my Myspace wall, but the wall surrounding my castle).
S/he then started talking to me about foreign languages. About how the word "bande" in French is feminine, as is "bandiera" in Italian. MySpace was apparently merely following age-old laws about gender in language by making "band" feminine in English. There is clearly a cunning linguist or an exacting etymologist on their staff. Some liberal arts major being cute, and causing scores of underground rock stars like me, every day, to have their fragile self-esteem ripped out from under them like a Persian carpet pulled by a train of galloping Arab horses.
"Woe is me" I grunt as I rip off my black Art Shirt and drive my testosterone-colored Hummer into my Olympic-sized pool full of female groupies, like John Wayne or Robert Plant would have done in the 1970's (had Hummers existed back then). Speaking of John Wayne...
LLL's "John Wayne", from "Foaming At The Mouth"
LLL
