Lonely London Lad's List of Top 10 Worst MySpace Comments
Preface to the List of Top 10 (Er, 17) Worst MySpace Comments
I get so many comments on MySpace (I think 80,000+ in total) that I have noticed a pattern. There are good comments, which are personalized, witty, and charming... and then there are bad comments. The good comments are always unique, whereas the bad comments are nearly always the same. For some reason, it makes me think of that line from Tolstoy's "Anna Karenina", in its inverse: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." Or "bad comments are all alike; every good comment is good in its own way."
Because of the sameness of the bad comments, I decided to write a semi-definitive list of the 10 Worst MySpace Comments, and why they are so bad.
I didn't include the comment "Thanks for the add" in the list because, while it is not creative, it is at least polite.
And don't get the idea that I personally dislike the people who make bad comments. A bad comment does not equate a bad person. It doesn't help, but it's just a comment... And, after all, "I'm just a singer in a rock and roll band"...
Also, lest this come off as a critique, I want to add that the majority of comments that I personally receive are warm, open, and often touching in their sincerity. My own shortcoming is to not have the time to reply back to the ones that deserve a response.
Update: There are now 17! So much for the "Top 10" concept...
If I missed any, let me know.
Top 10 (Er, 17) Worst MySpace Comments (From Least Bad to Worst)
| Ranking | Comment | Why It's So Bad |
|---|---|---|
| 17 | "who r u?" | Shouldn't they already know this by employing the left-click feature of the mouse? |
| 16 | "Just stopping by to show you and your page some luv. Don't be a stranger!" | This is sweet, but it's used so much, in the same way, that one has no choice but to be a stranger. |
| 15 | "Hey!! How are you? Check out our music, let us know what you think!" | How creative can the music be if the comment is such a cliche? |
| 14 | "wassup?" (or: "hey", "yo", and other variants) | How do I begin to answer this? It's simply too broad. If your 'wassups' are being ignored, try something more specific. I think the limitation of wassup is apparent in the most common reply to 'wassup', which is ...'wassup'. It sort of puts the ball back in the other chap's court, because there is no real answer. Someday, I will do a video installation for the Whitney Museum of two men saying 'wassup' in an infinite loop. |
| 13 | "Did you know you can get 1000s of adds every minute with.. etc.." | Anybody using my comment board for spam is breaking the simplest rules of etiquette, and what is even more offensive is that it's poorly-executed marketing. |
| 12 | "Thanks for supporting [some band or charity or political candidate]" | Just because I sent you a friend request doesn't mean I support what you do or stand for. "Thanks for supporting our efforts to end hijacking people for your agenda." |
| 11 | "OCTUBRE 09 2009 NO SE PUEDEN PERDER "LA NOCHE CHAKALOSA PARTE II" CON LA PRESENTACION ESTELAR DE..... etc." | Spam is bad enough, but spam in a foreign language..? I would at least like to be able to understand the spam. However, I must admit that I am picking up a few more foreign languages as a result of this spam, so perhaps it doesn't belong on this list. |
| 10 | "Free Cocktails, Food and Music Saturday October 30th from 7 pm to Midnight at the STD Lounge, with special guest The Crabs...." | Invitations to minor events thousands of miles away?.. Lazy marketing. |
| 9 | "How hot am I?" | So hot you just spontaneously combusted. |
| 8 | "do i no u?" | This negates the whole concept of the "friend request". This particular cliche is a curious mix of sarcasm, passive-aggression, and paranoia, and there really is no appropriate answer to it, alas. There's a great principle of improv theatre which is to say "Yes, and..." instead of "No" whenever an opportunity comes your way. |
| 7 | "yaw muzik sux" | Fortunately, most of the comments we get regarding the music are positive, along the lines of "wowzas, yaw shit is sick and fresh!" But occasionally we get a "yaw muzik sux", to which I think, "De gustibus non est disputandum", which is Latin for "your gay". No, actually, it's Latin for "there is no disputing about tastes." Different people like different things: music, clothes, food, etc. You can lead a mule to "Buffalo Jump", but you can't make him jump. |
| 6 | "your gay" | It's the poor spelling that upsets me about this remark. If you're going to call someone gay, despite ample evidence to the contrary, you need to spell "you're" correctly to make a stronger case for yourself. Claims are less credible when they are misspelled. Consider this example: "We Sell Toyoters and Soobaroos CHEEP". Would you buy a car, or process a gender preference claim, from this person? |
| 5 | "Add me" | Whatever happened to "please"? Oh, alright already, I'll add you. But if you write "your gay" or "yaw muzik sux" at some point, you'll have to find another friend. Hai capito? |
| 4 | "Put me in your top friends" | Now here is a case where I can legitimately reply, "do i no u?" And by the way, which Jonas Brother will YOU marry? |
| 3 | "DO NOT READ THIS UNLESS ... etc..." | Pathetic bait-and-switch attempt. |
| 2. | "PC4PC" |
This means "comment my picture and I will comment yours". Or "compliment me and I'll return the favor." How about offering a compliment, and should one be offered in return, you can take that as good karma.
How this would play out in the real world, on a street corner: "Tell me I'm good looking." "But you're not good looking. In fact, you're downright hideous." "Okay, how about I take you hostage at gunpoint? Would you say it then?" "Excuse me, I need to cross the street now." |
| 1. | "Check out my profile And Let me know Do you like me YES or NO" | This is even worse than "PC4PC" because it offers nothing in return. The ultimate narcissistic comment. And the most prevalent. I wish MySpace would flush these out. It's the virtual equivalent of urinating on a wall. |
My MySpace friend Candace The Lesbian wrote a witty summary of all the foibles above, and with her permission I reproduce it here. Brava, Candace!
"Wassup?! I was just stopping by to show your page some love. Don't be a stranger! By the way, Who are you? Anyway, you should check out my 200 song music list I posted on my page, let me know what you think! Also, I'm having a little get together soon. It will be in Kannapolis, NC. You're so invited. Anyway, thanks for supporting Candace the Lesbian and did you know that you can get thousands of adds every minute by adding random people? I'm still not sure if I know you. Do I know you? Yo music sux and your gay. No, seriously, it's yours. You should add me, you know, put me in your top friends and all. PC4PC (I need an ego boost) Oh, and hey! You should check out my page some time and let me know if you like me. Check yes or no. It's elementary, my dear.Oh, and how hot am i? seriously. Too hot, I bet. PS> Don't really know spanish ... but I think I covered all the rest."
Pssst! Hey you! So, you made it this far... I thought you might. I'm not going to push LLL's music here, you surely know it by now and have the double-CD on your wish list for Xmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Festivus. But you might want to watch "Buffalo Jump" (below) before slipping back into the chilly abyss of the modern world...
