Lonely London Lad - The Sahara Diet
File under: Silly pseudo-English humour that has nothing to do with LLL's music, but which LLL finds amusing to do 20 minutes before going to sleep.
LLL Tours, a subsidiary of Lonely London Lad Records, is offering a special "selfari" (a safari that's about yourself, not the animals, who already know how to take good care of themselves very well, thank you).
We will jet you off to a special weight-loss clinic in the Sahara desert, and will guarantee you will lose 60 pounds over 6 days, while suffering like a jackal, or your money back.
Have you ever seen an overweight creature in the desert? Of course not. That's because the desert has special fat-burning qualities that are not found anywhere else in the world. As our song says, "In the desert there is no sound", but it could have just as well been "In the desert there is no fat". The only reason I didn't use that was because of an annoying convention in songwriting known as "rhyme". But we're not here to discuss rhyme, but rather reason -- the reason you must not delay and embark straight away on The Sahara Diet.
I have seen bogus diet claims like you will lose 40 pounds in 4 weeks. I have never seen a legitimate claim regarding losing 60 pounds in 6 days, until I made this claim myself, right here, right now.
This is how it works.
Situated at the southern edge of the Sahara in Mali is the legendary city of Timbuktu. This is where we will meet up after you have traveled for days to reach our spa (disclaimer: we don't have an actual spa, and in fact to say we have a spa would be misleading, because a spa connotes luxury and pampering, and when you want to lose 60 pounds of fat in 6 days, "luxury" and "pampering" are inaccurate terms to describe what you will undergo. They are accurate to describe what we, at LLL Tours, will be doing to ourselves with the money you have given us to lose the weight. You, on the other hand, will be busy shedding pounds and looking your best. And that's the way it should be. There's no such thing as a free brunch (there are free lunches available, but no brunches: we have checked).
After an evening of celebration, during which you will be able to eat anything you want (provided it is served in Timbuktu's only restaurant, which unfortunately was temporarily closed by the Board of Health -- but worry not, by the time you arrive it will be open again; it happens so often that it has become something of an inside joke among the Timbuktuians, or whatever the people native to Timbuktu are called). If you want a gallon of premium ice cream, you shall have it (again, if it is available, and if the restaurant has a freezer, which I doubt).
We will then tuck you into your bed in the sand, shake out your covers to ensure no scorpions will rob you of body heat during the night, and bid you good night.
The next morning, we provide you with a Sturdy mule. Sturdy is his name, not a description of his fortitude. In fact, he's a sorry excuse for a mule. But he shall do.
With Sturdy by your side, and 40 gallons of electolyte-fortified (sugared) water, you shall follow the Sun into the desert. We shall provide you with a fully charged cell phone courtesy of T-Mobile. This won't do you any good at all, since the entire Sahara is out of range, but you will have a false sense of comfort, and T-Mobile will get some cheap advertising. Technically, it just got the cheap advertising by me mentioning it.
For 6 days and 6 nights, you and Sturdy will follow the Sun, shedding pounds behind you like a slug sheds slime upon a garden trellis. Lovely simile, that! And by the 6th night, you will be tanned, fit, and 60 pounds lighter. And this isn't water weight, this is actual human fat. And don't get any funny ideas regarding Sturdy. Those who have tried to eat him in the past have received a swift kick to the head and/or groin when they were least expecting it. Sturdy is desert-smart.
Give us a call on the morning of the 7th day and we'll come and rescue your gorgeous self and Sturdy, too. If the phone doesn't work, the customer support number for T-Mobile is taped on the back of the unit.
If we don't hear from you by the 12th day, we shall get worried and call the Mali militia to put out a search party for you. The Sahara is vast, but the Militia have been finding people lost from our weight loss program for months now, and know where to look. You can count on them! And you can count on us. We want you to look your best. After all, it is a Self-ari.
