Lonely London Lad: "I Have Outgrown My 747"
And you think you have problems?
The last thing I want to come off sounding like is a spoiled rock star, but I've got to say that after just 10 months, I have bloody outgrown the band's private Boeing 747.
I frankly thought LLL-747 would be in service for 3 or more years. Of course, I had absolutely no idea how well our debut CD, art shirts, and poster would sell worldwide, and I admit having thought, at the time I plunked down 253 million in cash for the bird, that we had officially "made it".
How wrong I was. And to think I almost "bought" all the lies about the music industry suffering and CD sales plummeting! I don't know who started that ugly rumor, but personally I have never met a musician who wasn't fabulously wealthy. Even unsigned artists these days have at least one Lear jet in their garage. I even know one bloke who merely sings in the shower and gets royalty checks in the mail. And I once met a chap who got signed to a major label for simply humming quietly to himself whilst strolling down the beach one afternoon.
So now I have no option but to sell this big bird to another band (perhaps I can find an unsigned artist on MySpace who would be willing to take it off my hands for, say, 275 million?)
But, in good faith, I should let prospective buyers know some of the major problems I had with our 747 before you add it to your cart and buy it on a whim. So here goes:
Major Problems with the 747
1. Having a first class cabin on the same level as the pilots is okay for normal civilians, but I was using that section for my giant waterbed, and the last thing you want whilst entertaining guests on it is for the pilot to open the door and tell you that engine number 4 is on fire. I don't bloody care if engine 4 is on fire! Why are you telling me about it?! You are being paid $200k a year to take care of such things!! Don't interrupt my waterbed bliss with your bloody engine talk!!!
2. The 747 can accomodate a mere 416 passengers. Well blimey, when I had my round-the-world birthday party flight, I wanted 1000 people on board. And that was just the A-List guests. Can you imagine my surprise to hear that we could not take off with 1000 people on board? I almost punched the chief stewardess (who is a man). Do you realize that most of the 1000 people are supermodels who weigh no more than a bag of airplane peanuts?
3. As we were taxiing on the LAX tarmac the other day, I watched the Google 747 land on runway 24L. I felt ashamed to have the same jet as two computer geeks. How cool does that make a rock star feel, to share the same wheels as two chaps who strap calculators to their belts? The President of the United States also, apparently, flies in a 747. Borrrring.
4. The interior cabin width of the 747 is a mere 20 feet. I cleared half of the cabin to be used as a dance floor (dancing to Drop Dead Lizzie at 30,000 feet is a trip, mateys!) but what kind of dance floor is a measly 20 feet wide? One chap did a headspin on the floor and nearly put the plane into a tailspin when he slammed into the wall.
Come Fly With Me
And yes, I am now on the market for another jet. I'm thinking of an Antonov AN-225, as it is the world's largest jet (6 engines, a wing span of 291 feet, and a maximum takeoff weight of 1,411,000 pounds). I have some environmental concerns, though. Like what kind of footprint I am leaving on the earth by selling millions of CD jewel cases that will never biodegrade. Perhaps if I just gave everything away for free, that would save me from myself.
