Lonely London Lad: All I Wanted Was A Kiss
Today, my status update on MySpace started getting inundated with the message below. It was appearing so many times that it was obviously an important communication from Tom at MySpace, my Top Friend, the virtual person I'm closest to in this world. When he sends me stuff, I don't ignore it.
| WANT A KISS 1. say your name ten times. 2. say your mom's name five times. 3. say your crushes three times 4. paste this to four other groups. If you do this, your crush will kiss you on the nearest Friday. But if you read this and do not paste this, then you will have very bad luck. SEND THIS TO 4 PPL IN 143 MINUTES. WHEN YOU'RE DONE PRESS F6 AND YOUR CRUSH'S NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS ON THE SCREEN. THIS IS SO FREAKY |
Sure, who doesn't want a kiss? So I gave it a whirl...
First, it says to say my name ten times. My whole name, middle name included? Or just first name? Or my stage name? Saying "Lonely London Lad" ten times is quite a tongue twister - try it yourself. Also, it doesn't specify how quickly to say my name. Ten times in quick succession? With a break between repetitions? Out loud? Whispered? It's so frustrating when instructions are not explicit.
Second, I need to "say your mom's name five times". This is deceptively easy: "mom mom mom mom mom". But, from the other room, I hear "what what what what what". And that is really freaky, because I don't have a Mom, as I was a test tube baby. I go into the room, and nobody is there. That is SO FREAKY. OMG. I would investigate this paranormal incident more thoroughly, but I need to do step 3...
Third, "say your crushes three times"... Okay, "your crushes, your crushes, your crushes". Right? Then I start doubting myself. Because the way it sounds when I say it is "your crutches, your crutches, your crutches". And I hear, from the other room, my supposed Mom again, saying, "what about my crutches?". I go into the room again, and she's still not there -- But there are a pair of crutches, leaning up against the wall, like something out of "Miracle On 34th Street". That was a cane, but you get the idea. SO FREAKY. IPIMP (I'm peeing in my pants).
Next, "paste this to four other groups". There is a group of nuns walking by my flat. I run outside and paste it onto the one in the rear. She doesn't even notice. I just have to find 3 more groups... But time is running out.
Next... "If you do this, your crush will kiss you on the nearest Friday". Since it is Monday, the nearest Friday is not this coming Friday, but LAST Friday -- and this is so freaky because indeed a stranger kissed me on that Friday. I didn't even know she was my crush. I didn't even know her name. She just came into my bedroom at the stroke of midnight, kissed me goodnight, and left. Now all that is suddenly making sense.
"But if you read this and do not paste this, then you will have very bad luck." I know, I know, I need to paste it onto 3 more groups. I'm waiting for a tour group to come by soon; they always take pictures of me tanning in the nude by the pool. I'm not sure about the other 2 groups, yet, but I'll find them.
"SEND THIS TO 4 PPL IN 143 MINUTES" -- This seems rather arbitrary, since I am still busy finding those other groups. Now I need to send this to 4 PPL (Pathetic Pimply Liars? Posh Parrot Lovers?) in 143 minutes. This is certainly keeping me busy. When you calculate what 143 minutes is, by dividing it by 60, you get this number: 2.3833333333333333333333333333333.
That is a scary number. Because when you add each pair of threes together, you get 6666666666666666, which is the hyperbolic sign of the beast, or more specifically, of the wildebeest, Satan's favorite animal to hunt on safari. Any animal that is hunted by Satan on the African Savannah is by definition scary. And FREAKY.
"WHEN YOU'RE DONE PRESS F6 AND YOUR CRUSH'S NAME WILL APPEAR IN BIG LETTERS ON THE SCREEN" Okay, I do this... but nothing happens. I stare at my monitor for hours on end, and nothing appears. I feel swindled, cheated, duped, gulled, and a few other words I can't think of without consulting a thesaurus. So I go into the den to watch some of my music videos, but as soon as I enter the room, I see -- on the TV SCREEN -- the name of my crush, in big letters:
MOM
THIS IS SO FREAKY.
Just then I hear glass shatter in the other room, and the word "oops!" I run into the room, and see my Mom shattered in a thousand shards on the floor -- the only remnants of my birth test tube. Crushed.
IPIMP.
- LLL
P.S. Watch the following music video 5 times and then tell 5 friends you love it 5 times, or your musical taste will rapidly spoil:
