Lonely London Lad: How to Care for 140 Hunting Hounds
At least once a day, some well-meaning soul writes: "Hey LLL dude, how do you manage to take care of 140 hunting dogs and still be a successful underground rock star?"
Actually, not everybody writes that exact question. Some use the word "awesome" instead of "successful", as in "awesome underground rock star". And sometimes there are misspellings, or punctuation errors. But you get the gist.
I admit that it does take some doing. After uncle Vivien willed me his pack of hounds, stipulating that I not sell them, I knew I had to get organised if I were not to leave any dog, or my music career, behind.
But organisation runs in LLL's genes. For instance, my great-grandfather, the World War I hero, was brilliant at organising thousands of well-intentioned men to charge, at his command, across no-man's land in France to certain death by German machine-gun fire.
And another, more distant, LLL ancestor, had a knack for lining ducks up in a row. A military scout saw him doing this one day at a public park, and instantly recruited him to fight alongside Wellington at the battle of Waterloo; the rest is history. Napolean is now merely a dessert, while beef Wellington is a main course.
So taking care of 140 hounds, for someone of my lineage, is a walk in the park.
Here are my tips for hound husbandry should you, too, suddenly be willed a large pack:
Bathing
Bring them to your local car wash, and select the Platinum (most expensive) option, including the hot wax and undercoating treatment. When the wash commences, run the dogs through in quick succession. It is possible, if you are well-organised, to herd all 140 hounds through within one cycle. The only disadvantage is that some will only be soaped, and not rinsed; while others will be waxed, but not washed; and still others will be dryed, without the application of undercoating.
Exercise
Find a discarded Christmas tree. Most trees have 140 discreet branches, so you will be able to tie a dog leash on to each branch. Then find a professional dog walker, or unemployed student, to drag the tree down the street; the hounds will follow, as they are bred for cleverness. Find another 15 volunteers to pick up the dog droppings left behind. There are many dog lovers out there, and you will find enthusiastic pooper-scoopers with ease (you can also use CraigsList for this).
Hunting
Hunting dogs, not surprisingly, like to hunt, even when they are resting. If you live in the city, as I do, simply set them free in the park. They will hunt down whatever pleases them while you enjoy some quiet time reading The London Times on a park bench. When it is time to go, use your whistle to summon them back.
Grooming
A little-known fact is that dogs in packs do a fine job of grooming each other. If you have ever seen a pack of wild dogs wandering through a garbage dump, you remember being impressed by how shiny their coats appear, how their eyes glint with good health, and how in all measures they know very well how to take care of themselves. Laissez-faire, I say. The less human intervention, the better.
Feeding
I, for one, am against feeding my hounds anything that smacks of commercial manufacture. Dogs, like humans, deserve food fit for humans. So this is one area I will not skimp on. Organic, locally-grown, free-range, unprocessed victuals are essential. Have your cooks worry about preparing and serving it to them, as you don't have that kind of time on your hands (nor do I, quite frankly).
Fun
Fun is a silly human concept. Dogs survive, and practice surviving through what we term "play". Dogs don't even know that the word "fun" means. They don't know what any word "means", actually, since they don't speak human language. We can train them to comply through the use of Pavlovian techniques, but don't ever expect a dog to fully understand Plato or Sartre or the Jonas Brothers. And don't expect them to have "fun". Just let them be themselves. Don't feel guilty if you cannot bring 140 hounds to the park to run around... or can't squeeze them into your living room to watch "Babe" at the same time. They will still live perfectly fulfilling lives, and it is more important for a dog to be fulfilled and completely self-realized than to merely have fun, anyway.
Music
As sentient beings, dogs need music as much as humans do (if not more, since humans can also read and surf). They also need good music, music that is not commercial pap churned out like so much factory-made dog food. Much as you must feed your 140 hounds quality food, you must feed their ears quality music. I recommend, for master and hound, the Combo Pack from LLL. It contains nearly three and a half hours of music that simultaneously calms and excites, and as a bonus there are the sounds of wolves howling in "Buffalo Jump", and an entire song supposedly about a rabid dog, in "Foaming At The Mouth". As they say in (former British colony) India, "do the needful" and make a dog-run to my shop to get your own Combo Pack, before they are all gobbled up.
